+ Do you provide family therapy?

I do not provide family therapy, as my focus is on supporting your teenager. I happily offer parent consultations for support and collaboration purposes, but I do not meet with teens and parents together unless it is a specific request by the teen. I have some great referrals for family counseling if that is a needed service.

+ Do you offer after-school / evening appointments?

I do offer these appointments but they are in high demand. I have some teens who are able to come during lunch or an off period as I can provide a school excuse just like a note from a doctor’s office.

+ How will I receive feedback regarding my teen’s treatment?

Feedback looks different for each family. I communicate regularly via email and phone if and when needed. After the initial parent feedback session, you can also schedule either a 30 or 50 minute parent consultation anytime you want. I am happy to talk briefly (15 minutes or less) on the phone but anything that will take more time needs to be scheduled in the form of a consultation.

+ How do I handle my daughter’s perfectionism?

The best strategy for helping perfectionistic teens is modeling imperfection. You can be a great example of someone who is perfectly imperfect. Modeling involves sharing mistakes and asking for feedback when you struggle. I would suggest doing this for both big (bombed a meeting at work) and small (forgot to bring the grocery list with you to the store) things.

Another concept is the wonderful word “yet”. My husband literally just reminded me of the power of yet. I got a new phone and was just saying “I can’t type on this thing” and he said “YET”. So true! Anytime you hear your teen say “I can’t” is probably a good time to throw in the word “yet”. The more frequent they hear this type of language, the more natural it will become.

Empathy and validation are also necessary components to supporting a perfectionistic teen. Validation looks like acknowledging your teen’s situation without qualifying it. Oftentimes you need empathy for validation to work so try to put yourself in your teen’s shoes and understand their point of view.

+ How do I help my teenage daughter with self-esteem?

Self-esteem is the age-old goal or the pinnacle of happiness. If your self-esteem is good, you are confident and successful. If your self-esteem is bad, you are worthless and unhealthy. Self-esteem is actually a “subjective emotional evaluation” or a judgment about ourselves which means we might only feel like we have high self-esteem when we are perfect or when life is going well.

As you know, perfection is an illusion and life rarely goes as planned. Self-esteem also sets us up for comparing ourselves to others. When we compare ourselves to others, we either determine we are better or worse than others. Comparison can sometimes be helpful but most often, especially in adolescents, it is ineffective.

I think we should replace building self-esteem with learning self-compassion. Self-compassion is more valuable because it equips us with tools to deal with pain and still move forward in life. Self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves, realizing that everyone struggles and being present with our feelings. Cultivating self-compassion allows us to be patient with ourselves in times of discomfort.

+ Are there confidence-building groups for teen girls in Houston, TX?

In addition to therapy for teen girls at Greater Heights Therapy, The Flourishing Way offers empowerment groups specifically for teen girls that includes yoga, meditation and meaningful conversation. The Center for Success and Independence offers Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Groups for teens who need support coping with more intense emotions and behaviors. There are additional MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) and MBSC (Mindfulness Based Self Compassion) groups that I refer to but these change periodically.

+ How do I decrease arguments between me and my teen daughter?

The first step for parents is being willing to “unhook” from the thought “I’m the parent, therefore, I’m right”. If you notice you’re having this thought, it’s definitely worth examining as it usually leads to blaming and/or making threats. It’s important to notice your thoughts and feelings so you can be less reactive and more responsive. Second, create a framework for managing conflict ahead of time with your teenager which involves 4 things: (1) Specify a time to talk. (2) Describe the problem (avoiding judgments). (3) Stick to discussing just the problem at hand. (4) Agree that name-calling, blaming, yelling, etc. are off the table.

Relationships are complex and conflict is unavoidable. Conflict can be a great source of discomfort and stress or an opportunity for growth and a deeper connection. Learning to handle arguments effectively can have a very positive impact on the relationship between you and your teenager. Both teenagers and parents need to learn conflict-resolution skills.

It’s not easy to establish new ways of doing things but what might happen if you could stick with this framework? Here are a few final tips: breathe (this is very important), learn to pause and choose your response, be assertive (not authoritarian or aggressive), notice distractions, and get out of talking in circles. And when all else fails...breathe again.